Through the Wire

“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.” – Clifton Fadiman

How often do you ask yourself if your a good friend? We all have our general ideas of friendship and what it consists of, but how many of us are actually a “good” friend. I’m not. At least I don’t think I am all the time, my true friends might tell you otherwise (or so I hope lol). As we get older our general ideas of friendships become deeper. We go from wanting to surround ourselves with meaningless and temporary relationships based on convenience and time (not obvious in the moment), to cherishing and embracing lifelong, genuine friends. I saw a saying that stated, “As we get older, we don’t lose friends. We just find out who the real ones are”. I strongly agree. I also believe that your circle changes or the value of these friendships “depreciates” as you become reliant on them to facilitate important moments in your life, which some friends are unable to wholeheartedly support or subconsciously have zero desire to. For example, going through a depression. Some time ago, I hit rock bottom. Now for some hitting rock bottom is only a state of mind, however, for myself it was the actual state of my being. I was consumed with daily thoughts of ending my life. Why? It seemed easier than living, simple. Imagine going through, at the time, overwhelming moments in your life that you felt would never end. Externally I forced myself to portray and believe that these moments weren’t going to last forever, no matter how bad they seemed, but internally they consumed my mind. During this time not being around seemed like the easiest solution but my friends, my true friends, helped me seek alternatives. They let me cry. They let me vent. They let me be completely honest with my thoughts despite how hard it was for them to hear that I had fallen so low. I mean, how do you tell someone you want kill yourself and they be receptive to it. It’s a lot to take in emotionally and definitely devastating to hear. They understood it wasn’t easy for me to say and I knew how hard it was for them to even begin to think of my presence being immediately erased, but they listened. They spoke up. They helped me when they knew and felt like I didn’t know how to help myself and I’m still here. I said that to say, friends are important but surrounding yourself with the RIGHT ones are essential. I believe genuine friendships grow with you, they help shape you. The standard and expectation of a “good” friend differs for everyone, however, there are certain qualities we should all try to posses. Communication is important. Honest communication. I’m completely open with my friends, transparent is a better word. I trust them with the deepest part of myself. Love is also important. Love your friends. Appreciate them. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in knowing that they will always be there, we forget to “water” the relationship to help it grow and maintain it. Trust your friends, with no hesitation or delay. These relationships should come without question and certainly without doubt. If you ever feel like you have to question your friends motives or intentions, they are not your friend. All my friendships come with an unconditional wave of support, honesty, love, trust, and harsh reality, which I try my best to reciprocate, though sometimes I fall short. They motivate me to be my best self at all times and they are not afraid to criticize my wrong doings either. They are vocal on their love for me and their actions prove the same. Once you begin to let those toxic and questionable friendships go, you begin to understand and gravitate towards the true feeling of endless support and genuine energy.

The Journey Begins

“Companionship is a foreign concept to some people. They fear it as much as the majority of people fear loneliness.” -Criss Jami

I crave companionship. It’s more so having someone who is as concerned about you, as you are of yourself. Someone who thinks of you daily. Not because it’s the right thing to do but because they can’t help it. Someone who truly cares how your day went. Knowing you had a bad day and figuring out some way to make it better. Why are we ashamed to admit that we seek companionship, no matter the form. Is it wrong to talk about wanting someone to love you or craving someone to make you just a small highlight in there life or even in their day? Is it stupid to think that true love still exists? Playing “the” game just seems so much more common. Why? I can answer that. It’s fear. Fear of thinking you care and love someone more than they are capable to reciprocate. Fear that maybe your not truly what they want but more so of convenience. Often times we get so wrapped up in overthinking that we neglect emotion. Right? Because it’s easier to “think” you fuck with someone rather than emotionally letting yourself fall for them. In some aspects your thoughts can be controlled or ignored. However, your emotions. They remain the same. Despite how much you ignore it, overlook it, or even try to make yourself feel something different, you will always end up being a prisoner to your emotions. Now, this isn’t a bad thing if you don’t allow it to be. We were made to feel. We were made to love, at least that’s what I believe. Am I the only person who goes through waves of craving attention? No. Honestly, how many people are pure with their emotions. I’m not. I rather front like I’m emotionless. It works though. But not always. It’s a constant battle trying to tell yourself what you should feel and how you should feel it or even when to feel it. I used to love so freely. It was never a thought, not that it should be. I’ve been hurt. I’ve loved so hard that I was willing to sacrifice myself to make sure that I could be everything this person needed. I was young. So I guess that’s a good excuse. I realized in that situation I tried to become who I thought this person needed and wanted me to be. Imagine trying to alter yourself. To reinvent yourself in someone else’s image. Stupid right? Getting cheated on will do that to you. It wasn’t until now that I realized how much self worth and self image is important. I didn’t love myself. I didn’t even know myself. I’m 24. Still figuring out who I am and my purpose. Do I love myself? Honestly, not completely. I’m working on it. In retrospect I don’t really know if people think about loving themselves as much as they do other people. I never told myself “I love you”. Never looked at myself and said “Your exactly who I need”. Why? Maybe I don’t know myself worth or appreciate who I am. Then I think if I don’t, how can I expect someone else to. In my mind I always believed that the way someone loves you is a reflection of how you deserved to be loved. So my reflection hasn’t always been the greatest. I’m working on it. Working on being so comfortable with myself and who I truly am. Recognizing my amazing qualities and minimizing the bad ones. I’ve been afraid to find myself. Afraid that I wouldn’t properly know how to love me. Scared that the image I have of myself is not what others see in me. As much as we hate to admit it. Opinions matter. The opinions of yourself. I believe that’s why confidence is so important. Being confident in who you are, flaws and even the inconsistencies, is a major key. A life key really.